After I finished writing my first YA book, Behind the Eyes (Dutton: 2005), my then eighteen-year-old daughter Anna said to me with characteristic honesty that it was a good book but that I had held back. I had held back from being as knowledgeable and wise and funny as she knew I was. I don’t know if I denied or admitted it to her. I try to remain non-judgmental to my family’s comments about my books so that they can be free to voice whatever they think (I don’t always succeed at this), but I do know that in my heart of hearts she was right. For some reason, I held back. I was, like Hector, the young main character of the book, afraid to share the gifts I was given. So when I wrote Marcelo in the Real World, I did my best to not hold back, to leave it all on the page. I’ve tried to do the same with other books I’ve written, even though I still have a ways to go. I know, for example, that there is still a gap betwen the humor and lightheartedness of my life and the books I write, but I’m working on that. After all, it’s not always easy to transform knowledge and wisdom and humor into art which is essential in writing a novel that will interest and maybe even touch another soul.
I came to accept Behind the Eyes as one of those learning and growing experiences that every writer has and I moved on. Then a year or so ago Arthur A. Levine/Scholastic decided it would be nice to have all of my books under their imprint and they purchased the expired rights to Behind the Eyes. Cheryl Klein and I had long thoughtful discussions about the book and we decided that we had a choice to publish the book with minor changes, major revisions or somewhere in between. We went for the middle-path. A place to travel in life, as well. So in a few more days I will give Cheryl final revisions (there have been a couple of drafts already) to the book which is scheduled to come out in the Spring of 2013. A second chance. How rare is that? I have absolutely no need for second chances for Marcelo or Death Warriors or Irises, but as to Behind the Eyes, I am so grateful to be given the opportunity to not hold back. For in addition to the knowledge, wisdom and humor that my daughter correctly perceived I had witheld, I also held back on love. How could it happen that I could create a character like Hector without truly loving him? It makes me sad to think about this. I guess learning to love (characters and real human beings) takes time and mistakes galore. All that I can think of is that I had to learn about love and about self-forgiveness before Hector could love himself and others, before Hector could chisel his way through the granite ways of self-acceptance.
So I’m off to pour all I have into the final revisions of this old and new book and, with Cheryl’s help, this will become art. I’m not holding back. I’m leaving it all on the page.Â
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