I had just given a talk to an MFA class when a young woman stood up and asked: How can I make writing fun again? There was a desperate tone in her voice, and I could tell she was struggling with the possibility that maybe the writing life was not for her. Not because she didn’t want it, but because it didn’t seem to want her, the lack of fun being the clearest sign of this rejection.
My first impulse was to answer with a question of my own: “Who said writing is supposed to be fun?” I had just finished a novel about a young girl recovering from depression that had taken me four years and three complete re-writes to finish and I was tempted to describe in lurid detail the mental, physical and emotional hardships endured. Restraint and compassion prevailed, however, and I focused on the last word of her question: How can I make writing fun again? Writing had once been fun for this young woman, so I asked her to go back in time and remember the early excitement of creating.
We start off our writing life with a mysterious, delightful, irrepressible urge that is very similar in its freedom and spontaneity to the play of a child. This “beginner’s mind” knows no rules, moves wherever the winds of expression take it and contains a self-forgetfulness that is the very essence of fun. What happens to this childish sense of fun as we progress in our writing journey? Why does it diminish and sometimes disappear? Gradually, the unrestricted and inviting space of play begins to be crowded with all kinds of expectations: I would like my writing to be rewarded, to be admired by many, to sparkle with award-winning expertise. I cease to be a child following the whims of my imagination and become an anxious worker burdened with the heavy load of ambition and the fear of not measuring up.
The young MFA student’s question was present in my mind as I wrote On the Hook, my young adult novel published this past May. On the Hook is the story of Hector, a smart young man whose main goal is to graduate, go to college and become an engineer so that he can get his family out of the public housing projects of El Paso. Unfortunately, Hector is noticed by Joey, the brother of the local drug dealer, and after a series of violent events Hector and Joey end up in a reformatory school in San Antonio. There they must each find a way to “unhook” themselves from the violence, hatred and desire for revenge that consumes them and maybe even learn the true meaning of courage.
On the Hook is a re-creation of a book I originally wrote in 2007. I had tried unsuccessfully to revise the old story many times since the book was first written. Each revision felt more and more burdensome and the result more frustrating. Then in 2018 I decided to start again from scratch. Instead of revising the old, I tried inventing something new. Some of the characters kept their old names, but they became different people – more real, more complex, more dynamic. The obstacles that they must overcome to survive and to grow were harder, more intricate. I threw out the illusion of revising a story to some ideal of perfection and gave myself over to the humble task of creating something new, something honest and true.
But the writing was not just for me. As I wrote, I kept in mind the image of a young man like Hector. A young man with a good heart that had taken a turn toward hatred and violence. As I wrote, I asked myself, how can I get this young man to see himself in the characters of the story? What can I give this young man so he can re-discover the goodness in his heart?
There’s a scene in On the Hook where Hector wins a prize for an essay he wrote about the phrase “the pursuit of happiness” from the Declaration of Independence. In the essay Hector describes how his father worked as a migrant farm worker when he first came from Mexico and then in a pants factory for many years until, after two years of night school, he finally landed his dream job as an auto mechanic. For Hector’s father, working at a job he loved and the obligation to support his family were part of the same pursuit of happiness. Similarly, for me, the fun of creating goes hand in hand with the responsibility I feel toward young readers.
I am grateful that I was able to transform an old story into a new creation that was fun to write even while fulfilling the desire to create a work that was truthful and meaningful. Sometimes I am tempted to substitute the word “joy” for “fun” because it is easier to imagine the possibility of joy even in the midst of days and months of discipline and hard work. But the older I get, the more I like the word “fun” when it comes to writing. Creating is fun. It is both fun and difficult, an obligation and a choice, a gift and a giving. All of those things rolled into one.
September 1, 2021
For the Fun of It
August 2, 2018
Writing Without Anxiety
[Excerpt from Commencement Address to MFA Graduates -Hamline University – July 15, 2018]
Writing without anxiety, requires the delicate creation of what I call a bubble of faith. This very fragile and flimsy bubble contains within it the conviction that the effort is worth doing regardless of the results. In that bubble there lies the original impulse to create and my joyful response to it. In that bubble lies the meaning that the effort has for my life. In that bubble there is the confidence given by hours and hours of practice. In the bubble lies the preservation of the original call to create and the why of why I write. And even though the bubble of faith involves a certain necessary separation from what the world calls success, the bubble of faith contains an intention to give. Its creation, and the will that maintains it, is an act of generosity. It is a pure gift, like those rare times when we give our love without asking or expecting to be loved in return. Even in the necessary separation from others that is created by the bubble, others are always there. The presence of another is always there.
I have to tell you that it is not easy. All it takes is a tiny touch by the finger of anxiety to pop it. We seem to hunger for the admiration of others and we live in an age when there is no shame in asking for it, demanding it even, insisting upon it and feeling the inevitable sense of failure when it doesn’t come or when it comes all too briefly and then goes away as it always does. There is something about our ambition for admiration and recognition, for success as the world sees it, that is inimical to maintaining the bubble of faith that protects our work from anxiety. And yet, paradoxically, writing within that bubble of faith, focused on enjoyment, personal meaning and generosity, is what will bring whatever success the world has to offer you. The work created from that faith will contain the unique voice that all good readers (and editors) yearn to find in the books they read.
If you look at it carefully, you will see that the energy behind our ambition for success is an energy of getting, of obtaining, whereas the impulse to create that happens within the bubble of faith is essentially a giving. The energy behind the wanting to succeed, however, is still a valuable energy and we ought to find a way to use it. The best way that I have found to use the energy and still preserve the wholeness of the bubble of faith is to direct the energy of getting to the highest possible goal. When I write, I want to create a book that lasts forever, a book that is out there every year on the bookstore table for recommended summer reading. I would like my book to touch spines with Don Quixote and Crime and Punishment and Franny and Zooey. Knowing that this will never happen does not take away the energy that the goal gives me, and I find that this impossibly ambitious goal fits quite comfortably within the anxiety protecting bubble of my faith in the meaning and worth of the effort. As I write the energy of that goal fills me and it directs my writing decisions on plot and character by aligning my work with the values that have kept those great books alive for us throughout time. For my faith is not in the outcome but in the value of the effort. Before I start to write a book, I envision a classic, a thing of beauty and truth. As I start writing, I very quickly encounter an overwhelming sense of poverty — the poverty that measures the distance between the ideal and the real. So, I begin the brick by brick process of creating the faith required to do this book, the faith that this is a book that I can do, and only I can do, and for some reason I am being called to do. Instead of thinking about it, I start to see, I see the images of the story, and I guide the images in the direction of a question that is unanswerable perhaps but important to my life and when there is doubt about whether to go one way or another, I follow an inner sense of giving instead of the desire to get. That is what it means to me to work with faith. Faith is the conviction that what you are doing is worth doing.
January 1, 2017
2017 Resolutions
Be a tree.
Live and know, suffer and enjoy
The spot of earth you are planted.
Root down each day for the deep moist soil of your soul
And draw from there the sap of love.
Be strong in your stillness,
But let the wind sway you as it will.
Be a shelter.
Provide shade.
Let others find rest and solace in you.
Don’t worry about whatever fruits you may bear.
Seek to be a good tree and the good fruits will come.
Be a friend of time and its seasons.
Shine bright in spring,
Glow steady in summer,
Mourn joyfully in autumn,
Let go of all that is seen in winter
To grow once more.